Choosing a spouse is the second biggest decision in one’s life—this is surpassed only by choosing to follow Christ.
And most time parents don’t play a good role to guide their children in this decision just as they wish they were saved but they will rather leave this important choice to them —somehow you are ‘on your own’ (OYO) when it comes to the spouse search.
This is not the way it ought to be.
Every parent must play a role in this decision making, especially, to count the cost.
Well, let me try to bring your way in this edition how to find a godly spouse. Don’t forget what I just said “a godly spouse”.
I am not part of Christians who marries unbelievers for whatever reason (the scripture cannot be broken).
I don’t give such counsel or advice, neither celebrates such and I won’t. This is not negotiable. People marry for crazy reasons and they can marry anything.
From experience, times and times has proven the scripture that Marriage is not a CONTRACT but a COVENANT!
And Marriage is not expensive.
Do not cohabit.
Avoid sexual immoralities.
Avoid marriage in absence.
Avoid Abroad husband and wife syndrome.
Don’t marry for money. Money has never proved as sustaining marriage and a peaceful home.
Don’t be contracted, coarse, compelled or forced into marriage.
You don’t have to be desperate.
Waiting is not wasting and delay is never a denial.
Don’t be delayed because of money.
The celebration is not as important as the covenant of a lifetime you both share.
If you don’t have so much money to celebrate the wedding today, you will surely do it in the moon when you are celebrating the anniversary.
I have seen people who did expensive wedding and the marriage is not enviable today.
Marriage could be done as cheap as church blessing in your sitting room with a reputable pastor of a church and you won’t spend more than #10, 000.
We should not forget and lose focus on the purpose of marriage, but today what we see is people in pursuit of marriage of “one in town” and knows nothing about its purpose.
Why we have so much divorce, separation and broken homes today is because of people who do not have knowledge of the purpose of marriage.
In one of my counseling session, I encounter a woman who packed out of a six year marriage by herself because she could not bear a child, despite the man is not complaining.
She said to me that her husband has done so much for her and she cannot give him just one child; that was the only thing she thought could happen to say thank you to her husband.
Actually, that’s not true! You can see now that when purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable.
Celebration is a worth, when purpose is known. People have no reverence for God when it comes to marriage. Someone who is legally married still involve in illicit sex, why would you be married and still be sleeping around with anything for worthless reason; you shouldn’t be married in the first place.
It is not until we divorce that marriage is dissolved; any act against the vow we share has broken the covenant.
Why would you marry and still be jumping up and down from friends and families
in the name of catching fun; what fun?
Don’t be deceived anyhow to leave your spouse; there are evil pastors out there,
who see evil vision and have break – away homes.
Nothing should separate you and your husband; not even job, family and friends.
What break away homes, don’t worth it.
King Lemuel’s mother’s advice to her son on what to look for in a woman, and not only as we have most commonly used it today (what a woman should be). It sets the bar very high. Raised expectations by girls will mean men will rise to meet those expectations. The same holds true of young men for young ladies. If we lower the expectations, boys and girls will sink to those levels. It is inevitable!
Is finding a spouse a natural process? Should it be difficult, complex and one size fits all? This quest for a spouse has been a process in existence since the dawn of time; it is cross cultural and fundamentally the same for everyone.
Boy meets girl… Do we need to try many before finding the right one?
This is a man-made concept and it is not found anywhere in the Bible.
Simply put, consider this quote from Little Women. Amy March says, “You don’t need scores of suitors.
You only need one … if he’s the right one!”
We aren’t talking about rushing into a relationship without knowing someone; we aren’t talking about rushing into a relationship before the time is right. You can get to know many young people of the opposite sex (as friends) enough to know how compatible you are or aren’t without having to ‘go steady’ and become emotionally involved with one after another weeding your way through the cast offs.
Is there a right one? Maybe not in the way we’ve come to understand the phrase—but there is a right one in many senses. There is the one that will be your soul mate (in the true sense of the word as in one-flesh — Genesis 2:24). Once you’ve chosen that ONE, it better be the right one. Because while there might not be one man specifically designed for one woman, you can be certain there are many wrong ones.
Consider that you must be careful in your choice; you must never regret the one you chose because you simply MUST love the one you are with. This will be relatively easy if you choose a compatible spouse, and seemingly impossible if you choose badly.
It is critical to remember that our capacity for love and making love work has more to do with long term happiness than finding a perfect person. Statistics show that if you’ve had a great love once you are more likely to find another after the loss of a spouse — Why is that true? Because it’s all about our foundation, our commitment, and yes — it’s all about the love. (I Corinthians 13) Our attitude about our spouse, about marriage and about family will affect our relationship with our spouse in ways that can make or break our relationship.
Have we convoluted premarital relationships by loosing and binding (loosing God’s commands to abstain from fleshly lusts and then binding man’s mandates in an effort combat the years of loosing)? Christians swing from seeing others of the opposite sex as potential crushes to not having any relationships at all with the opposite sex. Neither of these ideas is good. Christians universally agree that one night stands and the boy crazy behavior of girls that are out to make another notch on their lipstick case are completely unacceptable — yet, how close does our courtship come to this? On the other hand, not being able to relate to the opposite sex because you keep a distance and fail to build strong friendships with members of the opposite sex may render you unable to effectively search for your Mr. or Mrs. Right.
Does God acknowledge the pull of the flesh? Should it be strong? Is passion a God-designed gift? Yes! (I Corinthians 7:1ff). Consider that physical intimacy is pure and good in the ‘marriage bed’—and that’s not the physical bed—it is in the marriage relationship. A husband and wife should have an amazing, fulfilling relationship—to include a wonderful physical relationship. A husband takes comfort in his wife’s body. A wife is designed to desire her husband. All it takes is ONE KISS — sometimes even just a caress — between two people attracted to one another and the dominoes roll. God designed us to desire one another this way (Genesis 3:16; Proverbs 5:19).
Outside the marriage relationship this sexual intimacy is immoral. Is immorality—specifically unacceptable premarital behavior — a new concept? Certainly not … consider Dinah. Dinah’s example fits right in with modern dating as we know it — making provision for the flesh … (Genesis 34:1-5; Ephesians 5:3). Dinah went out, seemingly without parental permission, socialized with the pagan children, and got involved with a boy. We often forget that this boy cared for her — she may have felt her behaviour justified because of that, he certainly did. Yet that still did not make it right. Dinah got involved and brought an entire town into it … the consequences were horrific.
What should we call this search? Dating? Courtship? It is not wise to get caught up in the name—dating or courtship. Neither term is found in the Bible. It is not the name that makes it acceptable or unacceptable to God it is the process. Don’t worry about what you call it (but I prefer it to be courtship). The concern should be about how the spouse-searching is done and what is done during the spouse search!!
What are you looking for? Seek a godly companion — don’t even consider anyone who will not bring you closer to God. It’s been said that if you marry an unbeliever you will have trouble with your father-in-law (i.e. Satan) (I Corinthians 15:33-34b). For all those who convert a spouse dozens more fall away because of an ungodly spouse. Convert the lost, but don’t take a chance on losing your soul.
Why did God forbid intermarrying in the Old Testament? How does this apply to us today? Is there a principle to consider here? (Deuteronomy 7:3-4; II Corinthians 6:14-18). God did not want His children to be corrupted by the pagans. This has not changed. He still wants us to come out from among the unbelievers … this does not mean that we aren’t associating with the lost. It just shows us by example that there is a danger in marrying the ungodly.
This is not the only danger in marrying an unbeliever. Sadly, believers married to unbelievers often (not always) miss the bond of God’s family that cannot be replaced by a secular relationship. An unbeliever is bound to her duties to her spouse and these may keep her from associating with brethren and, most especially, the edification that comes from working alongside her spouse in God’s kingdom.
Here are some specific things to consider when looking for a spouse:
• Is this your best friend?
• Are you able to be yourself?
• How does he relate to others? Family? Brethren? The Lost? Children? Babies?
• What kind of fruit does he bear? Behavior? Attitude? Settling Conflicts? Stewardship?
• Will he be a good provider? Will she be content as a stay at home mother to the children? A happy homemaker?
• Are you compatible? Mind, Desires, Politics, Beliefs, Personal Convictions, Personality, Parenting…
• What are your temperaments – a choleric will go well with a Phlegmatic. A sanguine will go well with a melancholy.
• do you have ‘chemistry’—don’t dismiss physical attraction!
• What about love? Is this I Corinthians 13 love?
• Young ladies: Can you submit to this man as your leader?
• Young men: Can you lead this woman and honor her?
What is the best way to find this godly spouse? Is modern dating the only option? For sake of clarity, the term dating is hopping from one boyfriend to another and the term courtship will refer to the act of finding a spouse without the dating game. Note that the name is not the point, it is what is behind the name. We are simply using terms to simplify our considerations.
How much fire can you take into your bosom before you are burned? (Proverbs 6:27-29; 22:3; I Corinthians 6:18).
Physical intimacy should be reserved for the marriage bed. The consequences of premarital sex are not always evident to others. But, there are always consequences.
The ghosts of partners of the past will visit unannounced even after years of purity.
Premarital sex has been around since sin was introduced into the world.
The ‘everybody does it’ cliché is not so far from the truth in the secular world. This might not be the same for everyone, but we must acknowledge that physical intimacy is progressive … it’s got to be kept in check until the two have become one flesh before God by becoming united in marriage.
Friendship is a wonderful way to get to know people and for future spouses to be ‘matched’ — perhaps this would be a better use of one’s pre-marital days!
Courtship is often used to describe finding a spouse without mainstream dating — that’s rather simple, really. Anything more than that is to rely on man-made guidelines. I suppose the Bible term would be find a wife.
For centuries it included parental and family involvement, chaperoning, group activities or family activities, and little or no physical intimacy. It often springs from friendship and naturally progresses. Courtship is not an arrangement between two sets of parents. Even biblically it often included a choice for the woman. Remember that Abraham acknowledged that Rebecca might not be willing. If that had been an arranged marriage in the sense it is often understood, Rebecca would not have had a choice.
For Spiritual Guidance and counseling and prayer, pls. call Pastor Samm on 07063093944 or send SMS.
I love you always